Giving directions

For my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer’s home.
The woman very specifically said, “From the main road in the center of town, go down two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right and the number is on the mailbox.”
As I entered the information into my computer, I asked, “What color is your house?”
The woman paused a second and said, “Hold on. I’ll go check.”

Toaster

One of their wedding presents was a toaster. Soon after the honeymoon she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed from the toaster.
“Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted.”
I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box.
“Oops,” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”

Emergency

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.
I could tell he was not a happy camper! ‘What’s going on here?’
‘My car has a flat tire’, I said calmly.
‘Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?’
I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him, ‘Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!’
AND THEY THINK I’M A DUMB BLONDE!!

Parking place

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol.”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said,
“Never Mind. I found one.”

Kissed by a boy

A 7-year-old girl calmly admitted to her parents that a neighborhood boy had kissed her after class.
Her mother gasped and said, “How did that happen?”
The little girl said, “It wasn’t easy, but three other girls helped me catch him and hold him down.”

Professions

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the
Sheik came in.
“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
“I’m a cop”, says the first man.
“Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
“I’m a firemen”, said the second man.
“Then we will burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

Do you like My Face or Body

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me – my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor.”